Middle Seat
What is that you do when you get overwhelmed, and life gets just that little bit too much?
Recently, I would message my sister with who, just a few years ago, I had no contact with over a 10-year period. Crazy thinking about it.
A major issue is that we live about 700 miles apart; me in England and she lives with her husband in Germany.
I would ask her if I can come and visit as I have hit rock bottom, yet early enough for any dark thoughts to creep in.
Asking for help used to be quite a challenge.
Different to the previous time I practically invited myself, I was now going to be away for 3 weeks.
The day of my departure, I felt a lot of guilt for leaving. I actually felt like a monster because the thought of abandoning my children crept in.
For the entire journey to the airport, I felt that pit in my stomach, while a lot of that tension, stress and overwhelm that lead to me needing to get away was slowly releasing the further I was away.
Before I left the house, I ensured both of my children that they were not the reason that I was going away, they would never be the reason for me to go away. I just love them too much.
It has always been one of the most difficult things to do even with my adult children, having to walk out of that door hearing them cry for you to stay. It is a different kind of pain.
Over time, I have learned to ask for help, preventing overwhelm to turn into the dark thought patterns that still today lead to so many children growing up without a father. I must admit though that there have been instances where I could very much relate and understand why men find it to be the last option and it makes me sad that this is still such a real and serious issue.
I would never want to abandon my children but my ADHD brain, sends me down a rabbit whole of hundred and one different scenarios of how the children might feel that I have abandoned them and thinking I will never am coming back.
Something happened as I finally boarded the plane that was already 90 minutes delayed and stress levels were through the roof.
Truth is, I was too cheap to pay for a seat on my Ryanair flight for the hour and half that we would be travelling so I got allocated a middle seat. It was Seat 21B.
As I sit down and get my fidget cube out, I notice the person sitting to my left at the window, seemed also slightly nervous, rubbing, and playing with her hands. I felt like I should say something but didn’t muster up the courage to.
Airborne, I am still contemplating on my whole departure, while both of my seating companions have nodded off.
As I try and relax a little myself, try put my head back I notice something that changed the way I felt about myself within a split second. The lady sitting to me, put her head on my shoulder.
Now initially I didn’t know what had happened and I wondered if I should wake her and make her aware that, well she should remove herself from my shoulder but I decided against it and the simple reason for it was the realisation that come to me.
I cannot be as much as a monster, as I was making myself out to be if this stranger felt comfortable enough to sleep on my shoulder. This simple act helped me take me from a very fearing and negative mindset to one of hope and positivity. I was able to make peace with myself and over the time that I was gone, I was talking to my children over facetime almost every single day and it turned out to be beneficial for everyone in one way or another.
After a hard landing that I won’t forget for a while, and people starting to get off the plane, I join the queue not having spoken one single word to the Lady sitting next to me and she will never know how much she impacted me in my moments of distress without even knowing it.
Maybe that is the funny bit about it… not having shared a single word, anyway. On my return flight, I was once again pushing my luck and got a middle seat again. This time with 2 quite big guys on either side but despite feeling exhausted myself, I didn’t feel comfortable enough to borrow either of their shoulders for my nap.
