The Battle within
I have been struggling these past 2 months but maybe you already know that from my sudden and unannounced disappearance from all my social media.
I am a lot better now but it is important to me to be open and share all facets of my journey and not only focus on my successes, which is an easy trap to fall into.
Just a little over 3 months ago, I had the privilege of standing on that TEDx stage to share my story and I was feeling ecstatic, pumped and hopeful for the future. I felt privileged for the opportunity, allowing me to connect with some awesome people.
Previously, I said something on the lines of -
“I don’t care about the video recording as much as I do about the experience”
Whilst this is still very much true, I had already prepared a strategy for the promotion of my talk once it would be published.
I didn’t realise it straight away, when I watched my talk on TEDx’s YouTube channel for the first time, I was very excited to see what I had accomplished through the support of my wife, Carolina, my children and my mother.
But all over a sudden it hits me as I start sharing the video link:
The audio of the recording is so awful that no one is going to be able to watch through the whole of the 14 minute video unless they really like me and I don’t how many of such true friends I actually have - but definitely not enough.
The realisation that the chances of my talk ever becoming successful, and I mean TEDx worthy successful are near to zero because of the audio. My analytical ADHD brain gets the better of me and I start spiralling downwards very quickly feeling depressed, questioning myself for going through with it.
Imposter syndrome sets in as I am thinking about my talk on dealing with mental health as a man, yet finding it impossible to overcome the state in which I am in.
Initially, I came up with the idea of using some of the videos I had recorded practicing my talk from my Hotel Room in Edmonton but each time I sat down attempting to edit, I just couldn’t do it.
I am so upset with myself. I feel lost and lose all my drive and motivation to work the ideas that I had developed whilst still stable. I became my own worst enemy. Were my expectations too high?
My relationships that were already fragile suffered severely and I convince myself that I cannot create anymore content. The thing I didn’t realise was, how therapeutic creating content actually has been for me, so stoping leads me to feel even worse.
I could do what I wanted, my 5 am routine was gone, which made me realise of how low I have come. I just couldn’t wake up.
Thankfully in that whole process, a few doors opened-up for me and I managed to overcome this vicious circle.
After what felt an eternity, I finally managed to edit my Hotel Room TEDx talk that went live on my channel, without much of an explanation, which I guess this finally is.
I was in a bad place and I had to wait to get the help that I needed, which was very hard but the important thing is that there is valuable help out there, even for men, and I must thank my wife, who despite me challenging her to the brink stood by me and was instrumental in finding me that help, for which I am very thankful.
The journey is definitely not over yet and there is a lot more to say about this story but finally having overcome the worst, I remind myself of a quote from my own TEDx talk – The Best View comes after the hardest climb:
So, never give up!
Would I do it again? In a heartbeat!
